August 16, 1994 (Transcribed from a blank notebook given to me as a birthday gift from my step-daughter and friend, Adele.) I promised Adele this notebook wouldn’t be used for “to do” lists or other rote mind-dumping, but rather for a writer’s notebook. Easier said than done. She gave it to me on my birthday, yet here it is, almost two months later.
I believe that “living in the moment” is the best way to live, perhaps even an achievement of sorts. And I think (delusion?) that I am living that way most of the time. The victim, if there is one, might be reflection.
It is remarkable to be in a love relationship, our marriage, which is so fully engaged, passionate and absorbing. It is mostly an engine of energy, but sometimes can be totally draining. It is an “all-out” way of living, one that demands the best within me.
Buck has excited me at every level since the first day I laid eyes on him. I believe his passion and creative fires are still constrained slightly by corporate life, and look forward to riding the tiger of freedom with him when we retire early.
For the first time, I have begun to feel a time is coming when we will travel extensively for awhile. Selling the real estate, becoming liquid, setting the retirement date, organizing the household — all of these are moving in that direction. And my mind is opening to it, as well, and beginning to be ready and excited. Astrologers say that Cancerians are homebodies, domesticated beyond all sense; that they like a cozy, safe nest. And I am just of that ilk. I am always piling “nest stuff” up around me: books, music, cooking, plants, pets — soft, comfortable shock absorbers and bumpers. I’m not comfortable out on the open plain, where one can see and be seen for miles.
To get above the horizon, to grow, I must be a little exposed, a little scared and a little uncomfortable.
Buck and I are opposite hemispheres in that regard. Because of our immutable bond, we have learned to sample each other’s milieus — his the open plain, mine the nest — and I have become stronger, more able to bear the light; and he has become more nurturing, more able to relax with me in our cocoon.